Hi, I know this will probably be weird for some people, especially the people who know me personally, as the weird sort of shitposter who ghosts around and barely talks and responds to people. But, lately, with pride month being about I've been doing a lot of self-reflection, been dealing with a lot of emotional and personal problems, mostly towards my identity and people close to me who have known me all my life.
I've hated myself for years, under the guise of laid back jokin cynicism. I've never felt like a person, not a normal person, and because of that I've always felt alone, disconnected, dissociated with society. I never had an identity, I never strived for one, fearing what a label would do to me. I still am afraid. I believe that it's one of the reasons I've had for my confusion of self. I existed and grew up in a space where being mildly different was met with extreme ridicule and rejection. I was already so different and hated myself for it. I wanted, desired so much to be something, someone that blended into the fray to spare myself emotional torment. I couldnt and was tortured for it.
I watched from a distance as people were murdered and lynched for being different, and as such, I never explored it really deeply. I got so much shit for just being rumored a lesbian, I couldn't even fathom being transgender. I didn't even know anything like that existed at the time! When I did it was always a punchline. A joke. A gross charicture of people. I couldn't fathom the idea of being such. Not when I was hurting and struggling to survive myself.
I looked at things in secret, pondered, what if I was that? What if I was that kind of different? I looked into the surgeries out of curiosity, told people I was simply fascinated by the surgical/medical wonder of it, ignored the sickening and confusing of envy I got when I saw those people who were so confident, so courageous and HAPPY those people were. I couldn't be that. It wasn't my place.
I am the first born daughter of a southern family, one side of which is fairly well off and pretty well known within my town.
I had to be an example. My father insisted on it. I had to be perfect. Only the best grades, college a definite in my future, the quiet obedient submissiveness attributed to a woman, and to look and act like a paramount woman.
Perhaps that why it surprised people.
Perhaps that why it's so hard for me to transition.
I've never known myself.
I struggle to maintain and identity.
I'm free from the burden of my nuclear household and am free to be myself, and I've never been both the happiest I've ever been and the most frustrated I've ever been.
Because, though I have found who I truly am, from the outside this struggle can be seen as someone, confused, flip flopping between shit, and its frustrating as hell to come out finally and have them all doubt me, misconstrue my feelings, and flat out deny my identity altogether.
I'm finally someone I'm content with being.
And it all still hurts.
It hurts because a part of me thinks, maybe knows, that to truly be myself and happy, I'll have to leave. I'll have to break away from close connections and be by myself to feel peace.
I'm not struggling with whether or not I'm a he or a she anymore. I know what I am.
I'm struggling with the fact that I might have to finally have to man the fuck up, and live out there by myself, away from the discomfort I feel around others who either refuse to accept me, or cant.
I'm struggling with the toxic idea of what a man should be, and if I don't measure up to that I'm not a real man, and therefore im invalid, just a masculine woman. And I'm just frustrated and pissed beyond belief that I have to sacrifice aspects of myself AGAIN to feel comfortable in my skin! It's so FUCKED and I hate it. I hate that there is no difference between interests and gender identity in peoples eyes. How hard is it to see the fucking difference between the two. It's like dealing with all those fucking morons in school again who think a girl can't like monster trucks or a dude cant like barbies or fashion because of some fuckin arbitrary notion in there dumb fuckin mind that the two are the same thing. The same thing goes for sexuality. No, I'm not just a lesbian confused about themselves. I've been with both genders, it didn't work with a lot of those people for numerous reasons. They were bastards, emotionally manipulative, or plainly didn't work out.
But you know what it was.
Why it was me who cut things off generally?
Why I was uncomfortable in those certain sexual situations?
It was because I was their GIRLFRIEND.
It was because in their eyes, and in the way I was treated wasn't correct in my head.
It all didn't correlate.
Now that I'm out, I'm happily in a relationship with a man who will and does love me regardless of what I am or do.
And no, still not gay, if anything, all my life experience has brought me to a point of uncaring. If I fall in love with someone, its because of who they are and how I feel around them.
I am a man
I am a trans man
And for the first time in my whole life, I can say with certainty, I know who and what I am, I love myself, and I am deserving of it
(ps, none of the things I've said here are pointed at anyone specific, except for the bit about my boyfriend)
(also big PS, I love all of you guys out there. Be safe, I know things are hard, and rough, and you might not be in a space to safely come out and be yourself, I know, I've been there, you are just as valid and you will get to a space and time where you can be who you are. I'm here for you, all of us like you are here for you.)